Confession of a former pretender

From What if I'm pretending?
http://www.whatifimpretending.com/
I thought I was a Christian. After all, I prayed to God and told Him I was sorry, then I told Him I accept Jesus as my Savior. I was 16 years old and I decided that I needed to get that settled. I lived my life pretty comparable to the "Christian" friends around me and I stayed away from drugs and the usual bad stuff. I went to church, listened to preaching, attended bible studies, hung around the "Christian" crowd, got baptized, wore some good Christian t-shirts and even opened up my bible here and there. I knew that I wasn't exactly surrendered to Jesus Christ, but I did do my best in keeping my life somewhat clean. I know that the TV shows and movies that I would watch weren't exactly pleasing to God, but they were just your regular popular shows that most others in the church watched as well. I didn't exactly commit myself to reading God's Word or spend much time on my knees in prayer, unless of-course I had a need. My adult life continued onto Christian college, where I met my wife to be, and soon had a beautiful Christian wedding. My life seemed to be going wonderful except for the fact that it was still "my" life.
The sad truth is ... I prayed that prayer, at 16, because I realized that hell was the punishment for all those who don't get right with God through Jesus as the only way out. Who wants to go to hell? I sure didn't want to! My motive, clearly, was that I wanted Jesus Christ for nothing more than fire insurance. What a sad and disgusting thing that is! I was not broken in repentance, nor did I surrender to Him as my Master and Lord, but rather I just wanted Him for what He could do for me. Please hear me: "Jesus Christ is not some accessory for your life. Your heart's desire should be submission to Him as Lord of all, or He is not your Lord at all." Although it may sound horrible calling my very own motive one of fire insurance, that is the reality when one gives lip service to God for self-centered motives. I want happiness, I want safety, I want blessing ... I want ... I want ... I want. It's all about ME!!! I was able to fool others and possibly even myself, but not God.
A "work of man" will always prove to be fruitless, but a true "work of God" will continually bear fruit. It is no surprise why Jesus says: "Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father" in Matt 7:21. He says: "Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and not do what I tell you?" in Luke 6:46. No one becomes sinless upon salvation, however there will be a hatred for sin and a surrendered lifestyle of obedience to Christ (1 Jn 3:9). If salvation were just believing that Jesus Christ is Lord, then Satan is also a Christian. It is the surrendering of one's life that will reveal if the repentance was true. Without surrendering to the Lordship of Christ we cannot be His disciple (see Luke 14:27).
Thank God that after 11 years of pretending, in nothing of my own power, God showed me how He sees my wicked and self-seeking heart and the true meaning of the cross. It was when I saw my filthiness being taken upon Jesus, at the cross, that I completely broke. How can I even begin to tell you of such an awesome, sacrificial love? The day that I met the floor was the day that I truly met God in repentance. I begged God to forgive me and surrendered my life to Jesus Christ for one reason: because He is WORTHY! I was created by Him and for Him. Jesus does not exist for me, but rather I exist for Him.
The question I should have asked myself is: What if I'm Pretending?
Please, humble your heart.
You are loved,
- Mike